Choosing Joy

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.
(Psalm 94:19 ESV)

   The cares of my heart have been many. I have felt heaviness, anxiousness, and even despair some days. There are days when my cares seem to overwhelm me and I feel like I can't quite keep my head above these waves of emotions and circumstances.

   Our family has experienced a lot of changes recently. I'm expecting, we moved into a home with Carlos' Abuelo for a few months while he gets on his feet and then moves out. Carlos' job has been rough on him and on us financially. Carlos is also in the process of being interviewed for a new position. We seem to be in a place of transition in most areas of our lives. Change brings a lot of good things and also a lot of hard things. It's uncomfortable, difficult to navigate at times and brings out every selfish bone in my body. It affects who I am as a mother and wife.

   I have really struggled with the new big changes in our life. I'm normally a huge fan of change. I like new adventures and new experiences. Those of you that know me know we have had a lot of dramatic life changes over the course of our marriage. That has never really bothered me to the degree that is has this time. There is one thing I've noticed the third time around and that is simply this-I don't like change while pregnant. I REALLY don't like big changes while pregnant. The nesting/mommy side of me resists it and gets really uncomfortable with my inability to provide stability in the areas I like stability in. I stop trusting God at a time when he has shown himself more than faithful and generous every time. His track record is flawless. Mine is not. I struggle with these things every time. I know in my head that he has provided miraculously before and I remind myself of his goodness constantly. I still struggle to believe His ways are higher than mine when I can't get my eyes off of me. I am so grateful for grace. I am grateful for conviction. I'm asking God to help me show grace to my family as He generously extends it to me.

   God has been gently reminding me that He is the one who provides everything we need. I am not the provider. Carlos is not the provider. We are HIS children. He cares for us. He cares for the little children HE gave us more than I ever could. Why do I still struggle to believe him? Sin.

   Sin is ugly. My heart is ugly and it has shown itself a lot lately. I have been living with a crushed spirit that I chose. I chose to not trust. I chose to live in fear of the unknown. I chose to not put my hope in The Lord and to put it into me and my circumstances.

   Stability or lack thereof(as defined by my narrow minded, situational view) is not something I should let determine the condition of my heart or my level of joy. His consolations are enough. His plans are enough. His provision is enough. He is enough for me! I am choosing life, joy, faith and to turn my eyes to the giver of LIFE. I am asking Him to show me how to live fully in this place and to take my eyes off of myself and worthless things.

A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.
(Proverbs 15:13 ESV)
Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.
(Psalm 119:37 ESV)

In the Middle

There are days when having three kids three and under is a breeze, and days I long for bedtime like the return of Jesus. People make annoying comments about how busy we must be, how we must not know how having back to back kids happens, etc. Sometimes people make comments about how we find the money to diaper, feed, care for them in general. Most of the time the remarks roll off our backs, but sometimes they hurt. There is something about being our age with the amount of kids we have and their ages that most people around us just don't get. This was especially evident when we took in Jakob and had the loneliest year of our lives. We are in between people groups. We are not just married and enjoying being "just married". We are not twenty-five with out first kid on the way. We are not in our thirties with older kids or our forties with teenagers. We are in the middle. That middle place can be lonely sometimes. There aren't a lot of people who can relate, and the few that are, typically don't live the outgoing lifestyle we do. They keep to themselves to survive. The older couples do their thing with people their age and talk about how we will be in their shoes someday. That's great, but it would be nice to have people walk along side us, too.

The middle is a hard place, but the Lord has been teaching me a lot here. He is revealing himself to me in new ways and is speaking life over me when I feel dry as a bone. There is purpose in His plans for our lives. It has taught me how to reach out to moms of all ages and offer support, regardless of their age and amount of children. It has been a stretching and growing season in my life.

This has been my personal prayer in the middle.

Lord, may my loneliness be another place I meet you
It is in this place of dry bones that I look to you to restore my soul
I am empty without you
Satisfy my soul with deep waters
Your love is perfect
Your will is my desire
Hear my cries to you and turn your face to me
May your heart be shown through me
My words be an offering of praise
Restore in me the joy of your salvation