Great Expectations

Real talk...I struggle with expectations...probably more than anything else. Expectations are the doorway of many of my sin issues. Expectations, or specifically, expectations that are not being met, are where a lot of the ugliness in me stems from. I looked up the definition just for kicks, and it was a convicting gut punch. I felt like God spoke this little definition  directly to my heart, just to remind me what it is I'm allowing (choosing) to rule me.

ex·pec·ta·tion

ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/

noun

plural noun: expectations

1. a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

   "reality had not lived up to expectations"

   synonyms:

   supposition, assumption, presumption, conjecture, surmise, calculation, prediction, hopeMore

   • a belief that someone will or should achieve something.

     "students had high expectations for their future"

     synonyms:

     supposition, assumption, presumption, conjecture, surmise, calculation,  prediction,hope "her expectations were unrealistic"  (<----Coincidence? I think not...)

   • archaic

     one's prospects of inheritance.  (Ouch...gut punch)

   
   

   
   
2. Alrighty...so, that was convicting for me. I could write a book on all my expectations, and why I have them, but the truth is they all have one thing in common, and that is my pride. Here are some of my most prevailing expectations, that wreak havoc on my life when they aren't met:

My children's behavior: 

I expect them to obey. 

I expect them to be responsible (within reason).

I expect them to not make the same mistakes over and over again.

I expect to see progress and improvements in areas where I have invested so much of my own time and energy (identity-ouch).

My marriage:

I expect my husband to read my mind and for us to communicate with ease.

I expect my husband to learn patterns in our relationship and react accordingly.

I expect my husband to do things the way I would do them in any given situation.

I expect my husband to be the man I think he should be or the man I see other men being in any given situation.

I expect my husband to lead my family the way I imagine him leading us.
I essentially expect him to not be who God created him to be. Uhg. Ouch.

For myself:

I expect myself to respond to my husband and my children with sacrificial love and patience.

I expect myself to perform to my own high standards every moment of every day.

I expect myself to be the wife I imagined I would be and was told I "should be".

I expect myself to live a perfectly balanced lifestyle of service to family and church body, my community, self care, maintaining friendships and developing new ones, taking time to read and do my devotions, plan and cook healthy meals, whatever...the expectations sometimes become more as the day goes on. There is always room for improvement, and I seem to be the first to notice and the first to be frustrated when that "improvement" isn't accomplished. 

I won't even get into expectations of friends and family, my church family, husband's employer, etc. The list could go on forever.

There are two main root issues that I can always trace these expectations back to. Pride and control. Those are two pretty ugly words. They tell me I have put my identity in things other than Jesus and that I don't trust Him. They show themselves in my responses to experiencing disappointment. If I were to take those two ugly factors out of any life equation, my responses would be drastically different. What if I could replace them with grace and humility? What would that do to the climate of my home? My marriage? My relationship and responses to my children? How much more of an impact would I make for the kingdom of God, if I could just leave behind the kingdom of Lydia? 

That is what I'm working on right now. My responses lately have been out of pride, anger and control. I'm asking God to help me be more aware of the condition of my heart, so I can see where I need to choose new expectations. I'm asking him to replace the ugly manifestations of sin within me, with His character.

My great expectations should be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Life Changes

I know I'm really behind in documenting what has been going on with our family. A lot has happened, and honestly, it's been pretty hard to process it, much less talk about it and share it with the world. I'm going to give a few little(ha) updates and over the next few weeks I will start to dive back into a routine of writing about what the Lord has been teaching me. I'm still processing it all, so it will be raw, but isn't that where the most growth takes place? Vulnerability and total surrender, raw emotions and feelings, and preaching truth to myself. That's where I am at.

Here is the quick run down of some of the major changes we made this year.

Carlos and I went on vacation(alone-hallelujah) right after Jakob went to live with his dad, and came back refreshed and ready to start our "new normal". There was a lot of adjustment for all of us. I think it took me several months to go anywhere and not feel like we'd left someone behind. The kids were so sad to see Jakob go, but they were happy he could be with his dad and understood the good in that. They knew that being with his dad was the best for him. There were feelings of great loss, hope for his future and excitement for the unknowns of ours as we moved forward. Change was in the air and we knew it was coming for us again, but we didn't know how. We were just restless and had great anticipation for what was ahead. We had no idea what was coming.

Fast forward a few months, and we decide to move closer to Carlos' work. His company was building a new building in McKinney, and we decided to find a house to rent out there, and kick his commute to the curb. We looked for a few weeks, and found a house ten minutes from his new location. The moving out process was exhausting, and difficult, but moving into our new place was really smooth and we are really enjoying having daddy so close to home right now.

A few weeks into being in the new house, I threw up in the garage while leaving for church. That should have given away a big change, but it didn't. Fast forward a few more weeks, and I'm a raging hormonal lunatic, sick all the time and feeling like a different person. I casually take a pregnancy test before I start my next round of thyroid meds(a precautionary measure) and am floored to see it is positive. Somehow, I hadn't caught on to all the NORMAL cues my body had been sending out for weeks. How could I not know? DENIAL-that's how. Seven positive tests, denial. After the seventh test came up positive, I texted my midwife and decided she was worth the drive to walk us through this pregnancy. I honestly was freaking out. I was very much not trying to get pregnant, and there I was, staring at a counter full of positive tests. Jayden had been telling me for weeks I was pregnant and was praying for the BABIES in my tummy every night. We should have taken him seriously. He is always right. More on this pregnancy later...

Carlos has recently been promoted at work and is loving his new position. The kids and I are loving that he no longer has to travel. That is a huge blessing, especially being so far away from our family now and throwing a pregnancy into the picture.

We are attending a new church out here in McKinney and have been making new friends. That process is always hard, and it was a rough start, but we are happy to have made some wonderful friends and found a church community.

The kids are growing like weeds, and changing more and more every day. I can't believe how far we have come in just one year.
  Jayden is keeping us on our toes, as always, and has recently been accepted into a speech therapy program that will start this fall. He is looking forward to starting school and making new friends. He is our social butterfly and is always inviting people over. He loves playing sports and hanging out with older boys. I hope he continues to love on people and grow in his love of hospitality. We enjoy our snuggles, time reading and mommy and Jayden dates. He is verbally loving and always has something sweet to say to me(especially on days he makes me want to lose my mind). We are working on his sensory processing issues, and have made some great strides in that area. We recently learned he is a true ambidextrous, and that has explained so much! We look forward to learning more about that and how to walk with him through things he is struggling with.
  Eliana has completely come out of her shell this year. She decided she would start talking, and hasn't stopped. She is a true diva and performer. She has become more emotional and physically loving, but maintains her tough girl status on the playground and with her brothers. She still runs the ship when it comes to their relationship, while wearing her Elsa costumes and dancing around them. She loves her Target dates with mommy and cooking/doing anything domestic with me. This has been a great growth opportunity for me, as I have yet to master the art of "letting go" and getting out of task mode. She helps me slow down, take things less seriously and enjoy being with her.  I love having her as my right hand, little lady.
  Ian, my sweet, rugged and burly teddy bear. I love that boy. He has been such a joy since he was born and continues to bring great joy. He has started to really show his personality. It is SO fun. He is quite the little joker, and athlete, while still adoring his books and animals. There is not a day that goes by that does not involve dozens of books and animal references. He brings life and laughter to our everyday life and we are so thankful for him.

We are currently looking ahead to the end of our lease and trying to figure out what we want for our family, and where God wants us to put down some roots. We are looking for a home that we can entertain in and some land to expand on, while not being too far from work and family. It's proving to be a difficult task, but we are patiently waiting to see what the Lord has for us.

Now that you are caught up on some of the changes, in the next few posts I will start to get into the craziness and where the Lord has really brought us this year.