Those of you that know us personally know that we are in the middle of the adoption process. Our heart is to adopt a sibling group of two. Adoption has been an issue close to our hearts since before we were married, long before we had any children. With having four children now, we get a wide variety of responses and commentary on our family convictions. I experienced this frequently when we had custody of our nephew during Ian's first year of life. With four children under age three, I drew a lot of attention doing normal things, like grocery shopping. Most of the remarks were directed towards me, personally, as a young mother with children who happened to look like they all had different fathers. While most of the comments we receive now are positive and occasionally even encouraging, we do frequently receive off-colored comments. The biggest reality check and disappointment has been the realization that most of the negative comments and questions come from people who profess to be Christians.
Here are a few of our regular offenders:
How are you going to afford that?
Did you say you want MORE kids?
Oh, my! You already have your hands full!
You won't be able to go on vacation very often.
How are you going to pay for college for all of those children?
I bet your husband doesn't REALLY want to do that.
Can't you just be happy with the children you have?
You're going to be one of THOSE families.
I bet you homeschool, too!
Do you believe in using birth control?
How is that going to affect your children?
Won't your children be uncomfortable or get hurt?
What does your family think?
Is that a wise decision?
The common theme in most of the comments/questions is fear, inconvenience and/or discomfort of some kind. What they are really asking is, "how are you going to make it on your own?" They immediately assume that God is completely out of the picture. He might have asked us to do this, but surely he won't stick with us through it. The assumption is that we, as a family, are resolving to suffer our way through the rest of our lives, miserable and broke. Our kids will surely suffer life-long emotional and maybe even a physical pain because of our reckless decisions.
I am not going to pretend for a second that adding two children with trauma backgrounds to our current dynamic will be easy. It will be hard. It will hurt. It will offend us in ways we haven't experienced before. It will challenge and push us to our limits, and that's exactly where we need to be; reliant on the Lord and not our own strength. This is also where our wonderful community has stepped in and been involved in our obedience. They have supported and encouraged us every step of the way.
The people who are most uncomfortable with our decisions have made it clear to me that the pursuit of the "American Dream", selfishness, idolatry, a reasonable comfort level for ourselves or our children could all be excused in the name of "wisdom". In the name of "protecting" our family. If we, as Christians, are not willing to let our families suffer for the sake of the gospel, for the sake of God's glory (and not our own), we are running straight into the arms and comforts of the world. We are turning our backs on the one who gave his life for us. He didn't do that so we could sit back, sip an iced tea (Texan here) and watch people run straight to the gates of hell. When it comes to protecting my children from pain, I understand the argument here. I take the safety of my children very seriously, but since when am I responsible for the sanctification of my own children? That's up to God. If he calls us to adoption, he calls our children, too. It might hurt them. It likely will hurt them at times. I understand that, but their comfort and safety is not a substitute for obedience.
James 1:27
Pure and undefiled religion before our God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world.
I don't see anything about financial stability in the form of excess money mentioned here. I don't see anything about the impact our actions (that we are commanded, not suggested to do), on our children or extended families mentioned here. Looking different than the world has become a cause for concern, instead of a benchmark for obedience in walking out our faith.
Matthew 26:42
Again Jesus went to pray and said, "My Father, if there is no other way, and I must suffer, I will still do what you want."
Jesus knew his obedience would be difficult. He knew it would hurt those closest to him. He knew that he could not do it in his own strength. He didn't bow-out when given the chance. No excuses were made for his resolve. Obedience and his father's will being done were his greatest concerns.
I don't make any assumptions moving forward about what will happen to/in our family, aside from the assumption that God will be there. Every step of the way this far he has been. His faithfulness has been undeniable. His provision has been supernatural. His grace has covered our deepest failures. His spirit has led and comforted us. His joy has been contagious. His peace has surpassed our understanding. That doesn't vanish when we follow through in obedience to what he has asked us to do.
Have you ever asked someone any of the above questions? While some are a simple and playful attempt to engage in conversation, they are words that speak something. Are they speaking life or death?
If we can ask the Holy Spirit to change our internal dialog and reflexes from fear to obedience, we can obey with great joy. We can encourage and push others on, instead of making them question and doubt. If we can stop projecting our beliefs about God onto others and stop to listen what he is doing in them, we can learn something.
In closing, I would like to suggest some responses to replace the statements and questions I listed above. Think about your words. Your questions. What are they speaking to others? What do they reveal about what you believe about God?
How are you going to afford that?
~How exciting! How can we pray for and support you?~
Did you say you want MORE kids?
~I would love to hear more about your family's story!~
Oh, my! You already have your hands full!
~What a beautiful family! ~
You won't be able to go on vacation very often.
~What are your favorite outings/activities?~
How are you going to pay for college for all of those children?
~I will pray for provision for your family and the things God calls you to.~
I bet your husband doesn't REALLY want to do that.
~I would be happy to babysit for you sometime.~ : ) These people are the best!
Can't you just be happy with the children you have?
~What is the Lord teaching you through adoption?~
You're going to be one of THOSE families.
~How can I support you?~
I bet you home school, too!
~I am curious to know how your family functions in practical ways.~
Do you believe in using birth control?
~What made you decide to grow your family?~
How is that decision going to impact your children?
~What are your children looking forward to doing with their new siblings?~
Won't your children be uncomfortable or get hurt?
~How do you prepare your family for adoption?~
What does your family think?
~Do you have a support system?~
Is that a wise decision?
~What led you to make that decision?~
I am an inquisitive person. I always have been and always will be. I am not offended by questions, but I do believe they reveal a lot about a person. My hope is that our openness and honesty about our experiences will challenge and encourage you to ask the Lord where He wants you to be more obedient, and where you are settling for comfort instead of reliance on Him.
~Lyd
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