Choosing Joy

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.
(Psalm 94:19 ESV)

   The cares of my heart have been many. I have felt heaviness, anxiousness, and even despair some days. There are days when my cares seem to overwhelm me and I feel like I can't quite keep my head above these waves of emotions and circumstances.

   Our family has experienced a lot of changes recently. I'm expecting, we moved into a home with Carlos' Abuelo for a few months while he gets on his feet and then moves out. Carlos' job has been rough on him and on us financially. Carlos is also in the process of being interviewed for a new position. We seem to be in a place of transition in most areas of our lives. Change brings a lot of good things and also a lot of hard things. It's uncomfortable, difficult to navigate at times and brings out every selfish bone in my body. It affects who I am as a mother and wife.

   I have really struggled with the new big changes in our life. I'm normally a huge fan of change. I like new adventures and new experiences. Those of you that know me know we have had a lot of dramatic life changes over the course of our marriage. That has never really bothered me to the degree that is has this time. There is one thing I've noticed the third time around and that is simply this-I don't like change while pregnant. I REALLY don't like big changes while pregnant. The nesting/mommy side of me resists it and gets really uncomfortable with my inability to provide stability in the areas I like stability in. I stop trusting God at a time when he has shown himself more than faithful and generous every time. His track record is flawless. Mine is not. I struggle with these things every time. I know in my head that he has provided miraculously before and I remind myself of his goodness constantly. I still struggle to believe His ways are higher than mine when I can't get my eyes off of me. I am so grateful for grace. I am grateful for conviction. I'm asking God to help me show grace to my family as He generously extends it to me.

   God has been gently reminding me that He is the one who provides everything we need. I am not the provider. Carlos is not the provider. We are HIS children. He cares for us. He cares for the little children HE gave us more than I ever could. Why do I still struggle to believe him? Sin.

   Sin is ugly. My heart is ugly and it has shown itself a lot lately. I have been living with a crushed spirit that I chose. I chose to not trust. I chose to live in fear of the unknown. I chose to not put my hope in The Lord and to put it into me and my circumstances.

   Stability or lack thereof(as defined by my narrow minded, situational view) is not something I should let determine the condition of my heart or my level of joy. His consolations are enough. His plans are enough. His provision is enough. He is enough for me! I am choosing life, joy, faith and to turn my eyes to the giver of LIFE. I am asking Him to show me how to live fully in this place and to take my eyes off of myself and worthless things.

A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.
(Proverbs 15:13 ESV)
Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.
(Psalm 119:37 ESV)

In the Middle

There are days when having three kids three and under is a breeze, and days I long for bedtime like the return of Jesus. People make annoying comments about how busy we must be, how we must not know how having back to back kids happens, etc. Sometimes people make comments about how we find the money to diaper, feed, care for them in general. Most of the time the remarks roll off our backs, but sometimes they hurt. There is something about being our age with the amount of kids we have and their ages that most people around us just don't get. This was especially evident when we took in Jakob and had the loneliest year of our lives. We are in between people groups. We are not just married and enjoying being "just married". We are not twenty-five with out first kid on the way. We are not in our thirties with older kids or our forties with teenagers. We are in the middle. That middle place can be lonely sometimes. There aren't a lot of people who can relate, and the few that are, typically don't live the outgoing lifestyle we do. They keep to themselves to survive. The older couples do their thing with people their age and talk about how we will be in their shoes someday. That's great, but it would be nice to have people walk along side us, too.

The middle is a hard place, but the Lord has been teaching me a lot here. He is revealing himself to me in new ways and is speaking life over me when I feel dry as a bone. There is purpose in His plans for our lives. It has taught me how to reach out to moms of all ages and offer support, regardless of their age and amount of children. It has been a stretching and growing season in my life.

This has been my personal prayer in the middle.

Lord, may my loneliness be another place I meet you
It is in this place of dry bones that I look to you to restore my soul
I am empty without you
Satisfy my soul with deep waters
Your love is perfect
Your will is my desire
Hear my cries to you and turn your face to me
May your heart be shown through me
My words be an offering of praise
Restore in me the joy of your salvation

YES Before the Rest

No, that's too hard.
No, that will take too much of my already non-existant time to myself.
No, we don't have the money to give.
No, someone else will do it.
No, I don't have the energy. Can you see all these children you gave me? I can barely get through the day!

Does that sound familiar? I don't know about you, but that is an internal dialog I hear pretty often. That is a pattern of behavior, thoughts and actions that the Lord has convicted me of. Why do I say no? All the reasons above? No. I say no because I'm a sinful, selfish, prideful human being that needs the redemptive and changing grace of Jesus. Our family has experienced a lot of difficulties in the short time we have been a family, and I don't see that changing, ever. There will always be difficulties, hard things the Lord walks us through. There are a lot of excuses we could use to keep out people and opportunities to be used by the Lord to glorify Him. I thought I had some pretty good ones.

Where is Jesus in that?

Jesus is in the hard
Jesus is in every sacrifice
Jesus is in every penny we trust Him with
Jesus is in the sleep deprived, barely hanging on, ugly moments of parenthood
Jesus is in the obedience we are learning
and there is REST for your weary soul in Jesus.

My theme for the past year has been first time obedience. Originally it started when my son was two and learning first time obedience. I had no idea it was really a lesson for me. A hard and ugly lesson in obedience that is immediate, instinctive and continual. It is rough, but it is so full of grace and beauty. I can never find rest in my sinful ways. I am learning so much about who God is and his heart for my family. I am learning to say yes, before the rest. It is HARD. It would be easier not to discipline/be disciplined with love, grace and consistency. Saying yes is more than a reply. It is a lifestyle change, a mind set change and a spiritual change. It is ACTIVE obedience.

I am so thankful for a God who loves us enough to discipline us and redeem us.

Learning to say yes before the rest,

Lyd

Heirs in Christ

People have asked me if having JR has effected me, and honestly, it really has. Not in the ways I think they expect, though. Yes, there are night time feedings, more physical exertion and just more general demands of my time now, but the biggest change has been my spiritual state. 

The week of the anniversary of losing our first child was rough. Really rough. I realized I have never really grieved that baby the way I need to. I have never really faced it head on. Having a baby in utero and one in my arms made that lost baby all the more real, and the loss all the more difficult. To top off that emotional roller coaster I found at at court that JR's dad was trying to get full custody and it looks like that will be happening sooner than later. That is a wonderful thing for JR. I am genuinely grateful for that. It was just a timing thing that made it a difficult pill to swallow. I felt loss again. I felt like I had lost two babies in one week and that was more than I could handle. I found myself starting to detach unintentionally and I'm so grateful for friends who can speak truth in love when I can't see past my own pain. A dear friend walked me through those feelings and within a day I was back to loving him fiercely. There is nothing that can prepare you for caring for someone else's baby. Someone else's future. Someone else's precious gift. I knew it would be hard to let him go when the time came, but I wasn't prepared for hard it would be to love him so fiercely while he was with us. I wasn't prepared for the way he so naturally felt like my own. There is no distinction, except for when someone else points it out. I understood what it meant to be adopted by a loving Savior, who saw me as his own.

I have seen a lot of quotes about adoption, foster care and emergency placements that compare taking care of children to the adoption we receive through salvation. That has taken on a whole new meaning to me now. To unconditionally love someone(and their parents) through very difficult circumstances, that require great personal sacrifice and laying down personal preference is humbling. It is eye opening and points to all the selfishness within. It also opens the door to a love like I have never known. It deepens my understanding of the Father's love towards me and how I am to share that love with others. I am grateful. Grateful for the pain, heartache, long sleepless nights, the unknowns that leave me feeling helpless and so out of control of or our future. I am grateful for the opportunity to love and be loved. I am grateful for grace, my salvation and the opportunity to suffer for the sake of the glory of God.  

This has been an encouragement and challenge to me. 

Galatians 4:1-5 (ESV)

Sons and Heirs

4 I mean that the heir, as long as he is a child, is no different from a slave,[a] though he is the owner of everything, 2 but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by his father. 3 In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles[b] of the world. 4 But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, 5 to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.

I encourage you to ask the Lord where in your life you can show the power of His redemption to others, to glorify Him. 

Lyd

Heirs in Christ

People have asked me if having JR has effected me, and honestly, it really has. Not in the ways I think they expect, though. Yes, there are night time feedings, more physical exertion and just more general demands of my time now, but the biggest change has been my spiritual state. 

The week of the anniversary of losing our first child was rough. Really rough. I realized I have never really grieved that baby the way I need to. I have never really faced it head on. Having a baby in utero and one in my arms made that lost baby all the more real, and the loss all the more difficult. To top off that emotional roller coaster I found at at court that JR's dad was trying to get full custody and it looks like that will be happening sooner than later. That is a wonderful thing for JR. I am genuinely grateful for that. It was just a timing thing that made it a difficult pill to swallow. I felt loss again. I felt like I had lost two babies in one week and that was more than I could handle. I found myself starting to detach unintentionally and I'm so grateful for friends who can speak truth in love when I can't see past my own pain. A dear friend walked me through those feelings and within a day I was back to loving him fiercely. There is nothing that can prepare you for caring for someone else's baby. Someone else's future. Someone else's precious gift. I knew it would be hard to let him go when the time came, but I wasn't prepared for hard it would be to love him so fiercely while he was with us. I wasn't prepared for the way he so naturally felt like my own. There is no distinction, except for when someone else points it out. I understood what it meant to be adopted by a loving Savior, who saw me as his own.

I have seen a lot of quotes about adoption, foster care and emergency placements that compare taking care of children to the adoption we receive through salvation. That has taken on a whole new meaning to me now. To unconditionally love someone(and their parents) through very difficult circumstances, that require great personal sacrifice and laying down personal preference is humbling. It is eye opening and points to all the selfishness within. It also opens the door to a love like I have never known. It deepens my understanding of the Father's love towards me and how I am to share that love with others. I am grateful. Grateful for the pain, heartache, long sleepless nights, the unknowns that leave me feeling helpless and so out of control of or our future. I am grateful for the opportunity to love and be loved. I am grateful for grace, my salvation and the opportunity to suffer for the sake of the glory of God.  

This has been an encouragement and challenge to me. 

Galatians 4:1-5 (ESV)

Sons and Heirs

4 I mean that the heir, as long as he is a child, is no different from a slave,[a] though he is the owner of everything, 2 but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by his father. 3 In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles[b] of the world. 4 But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, 5 to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.

I encourage you to ask the Lord where in your life you can show the power of His redemption to others, to glorify Him. 

Lyd

Choosing Joy

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.
(Psalm 94:19 ESV)

   The cares of my heart have been many. I have felt heaviness, anxiousness, and even despair some days. There are days when my cares seem to overwhelm me and I feel like I can't quite keep my head above these waves of emotions and circumstances.

   Our family has experienced a lot of changes recently. I'm expecting, we moved into a home with Carlos' Abuelo for a few months while he gets on his feet and then moves out. Carlos' job has been rough on him and on us financially. Carlos is also in the process of being interviewed for a new position. We seem to be in a place of transition in most areas of our lives. Change brings a lot of good things and also a lot of hard things. It's uncomfortable, difficult to navigate at times and brings out every selfish bone in my body. It affects who I am as a mother and wife.

   I have really struggled with the new big changes in our life. I'm normally a huge fan of change. I like new adventures and new experiences. Those of you that know me know we have had a lot of dramatic life changes over the course of our marriage. That has never really bothered me to the degree that is has this time. There is one thing I've noticed the third time around and that is simply this-I don't like change while pregnant. I REALLY don't like big changes while pregnant. The nesting/mommy side of me resists it and gets really uncomfortable with my inability to provide stability in the areas I like stability in. I stop trusting God at a time when he has shown himself more than faithful and generous every time. His track record is flawless. Mine is not. I struggle with these things every time. I know in my head that he has provided miraculously before and I remind myself of his goodness constantly. I still struggle to believe His ways are higher than mine when I can't get my eyes off of me. I am so grateful for grace. I am grateful for conviction. I'm asking God to help me show grace to my family as He generously extends it to me.

   God has been gently reminding me that He is the one who provides everything we need. I am not the provider. Carlos is not the provider. We are HIS children. He cares for us. He cares for the little children HE gave us more than I ever could. Why do I still struggle to believe him? Sin.

   Sin is ugly. My heart is ugly and it has shown itself a lot lately. I have been living with a crushed spirit that I chose. I chose to not trust. I chose to live in fear of the unknown. I chose to not put my hope in The Lord and to put it into me and my circumstances.
  
   Stability or lack thereof(as defined by my narrow minded, situational view) is not something I should let determine the condition of my heart or my level of joy. His consolations are enough. His plans are enough. His provision is enough. He is enough for me! I am choosing life, joy, faith and to turn my eyes to the giver of LIFE. I am asking Him to show me how to live fully in this place and to take my eyes off of myself and worthless things.

A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.
(Proverbs 15:13 ESV)
Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.
(Psalm 119:37 ESV)

I Can Do It!

I can do it! Words you probably wouldn't hear out of my mouth too often, but all too often come from my heart, and not in a good way. Have you ever struggled with holding onto something seemingly small, but big enough to become an idol in your life? Big enough to make a dramatic negative impact in your walk with the Lord? I have. I could tell you thousands of ways the Lord has dramatically provided above and beyond what I have ever needed and in many cases, what I just wanted. Ironically enough, this is the area where I struggle the most. I struggle to instinctively trust that God will provide, I struggle with confessing that I am struggling and not openly giving God the glory that comes by letting others see his provision. I struggle with not working, and "providing" things for my family that I easily could, if I was working. What I really mean is that I struggle with being my own savior. Working, making money and providing "things" doesn't impact my family for eternity. Who I am matters more than what I can "do" to provide. My "job" is to point my family to Christ in every aspect of my life and teach them to look to Him. What a privilege I take for granted far too often.

Thank you, Lord for your conviction, forgiveness and grace.

Isaiah 43:10-12

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁰ “You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
    “and my servant whom I have chosen,
that you may know and believe me
    and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
    nor shall there be any after me.
¹¹ I, I am the Lord,
    and besides me there is no savior.
¹² I declared and saved and proclaimed,
    when there was no strange god among you;
    and you are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and I am God.