Heirs in Christ

People have asked me if having JR has effected me, and honestly, it really has. Not in the ways I think they expect, though. Yes, there are night time feedings, more physical exertion and just more general demands of my time now, but the biggest change has been my spiritual state. 

The week of the anniversary of losing our first child was rough. Really rough. I realized I have never really grieved that baby the way I need to. I have never really faced it head on. Having a baby in utero and one in my arms made that lost baby all the more real, and the loss all the more difficult. To top off that emotional roller coaster I found at at court that JR's dad was trying to get full custody and it looks like that will be happening sooner than later. That is a wonderful thing for JR. I am genuinely grateful for that. It was just a timing thing that made it a difficult pill to swallow. I felt loss again. I felt like I had lost two babies in one week and that was more than I could handle. I found myself starting to detach unintentionally and I'm so grateful for friends who can speak truth in love when I can't see past my own pain. A dear friend walked me through those feelings and within a day I was back to loving him fiercely. There is nothing that can prepare you for caring for someone else's baby. Someone else's future. Someone else's precious gift. I knew it would be hard to let him go when the time came, but I wasn't prepared for hard it would be to love him so fiercely while he was with us. I wasn't prepared for the way he so naturally felt like my own. There is no distinction, except for when someone else points it out. I understood what it meant to be adopted by a loving Savior, who saw me as his own.

I have seen a lot of quotes about adoption, foster care and emergency placements that compare taking care of children to the adoption we receive through salvation. That has taken on a whole new meaning to me now. To unconditionally love someone(and their parents) through very difficult circumstances, that require great personal sacrifice and laying down personal preference is humbling. It is eye opening and points to all the selfishness within. It also opens the door to a love like I have never known. It deepens my understanding of the Father's love towards me and how I am to share that love with others. I am grateful. Grateful for the pain, heartache, long sleepless nights, the unknowns that leave me feeling helpless and so out of control of or our future. I am grateful for the opportunity to love and be loved. I am grateful for grace, my salvation and the opportunity to suffer for the sake of the glory of God.  

This has been an encouragement and challenge to me. 

Galatians 4:1-5 (ESV)

Sons and Heirs

4 I mean that the heir, as long as he is a child, is no different from a slave,[a] though he is the owner of everything, 2 but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by his father. 3 In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles[b] of the world. 4 But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, 5 to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.

I encourage you to ask the Lord where in your life you can show the power of His redemption to others, to glorify Him. 

Lyd

Heirs in Christ

People have asked me if having JR has effected me, and honestly, it really has. Not in the ways I think they expect, though. Yes, there are night time feedings, more physical exertion and just more general demands of my time now, but the biggest change has been my spiritual state. 

The week of the anniversary of losing our first child was rough. Really rough. I realized I have never really grieved that baby the way I need to. I have never really faced it head on. Having a baby in utero and one in my arms made that lost baby all the more real, and the loss all the more difficult. To top off that emotional roller coaster I found at at court that JR's dad was trying to get full custody and it looks like that will be happening sooner than later. That is a wonderful thing for JR. I am genuinely grateful for that. It was just a timing thing that made it a difficult pill to swallow. I felt loss again. I felt like I had lost two babies in one week and that was more than I could handle. I found myself starting to detach unintentionally and I'm so grateful for friends who can speak truth in love when I can't see past my own pain. A dear friend walked me through those feelings and within a day I was back to loving him fiercely. There is nothing that can prepare you for caring for someone else's baby. Someone else's future. Someone else's precious gift. I knew it would be hard to let him go when the time came, but I wasn't prepared for hard it would be to love him so fiercely while he was with us. I wasn't prepared for the way he so naturally felt like my own. There is no distinction, except for when someone else points it out. I understood what it meant to be adopted by a loving Savior, who saw me as his own.

I have seen a lot of quotes about adoption, foster care and emergency placements that compare taking care of children to the adoption we receive through salvation. That has taken on a whole new meaning to me now. To unconditionally love someone(and their parents) through very difficult circumstances, that require great personal sacrifice and laying down personal preference is humbling. It is eye opening and points to all the selfishness within. It also opens the door to a love like I have never known. It deepens my understanding of the Father's love towards me and how I am to share that love with others. I am grateful. Grateful for the pain, heartache, long sleepless nights, the unknowns that leave me feeling helpless and so out of control of or our future. I am grateful for the opportunity to love and be loved. I am grateful for grace, my salvation and the opportunity to suffer for the sake of the glory of God.  

This has been an encouragement and challenge to me. 

Galatians 4:1-5 (ESV)

Sons and Heirs

4 I mean that the heir, as long as he is a child, is no different from a slave,[a] though he is the owner of everything, 2 but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by his father. 3 In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles[b] of the world. 4 But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, 5 to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.

I encourage you to ask the Lord where in your life you can show the power of His redemption to others, to glorify Him. 

Lyd

Choosing Joy

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.
(Psalm 94:19 ESV)

   The cares of my heart have been many. I have felt heaviness, anxiousness, and even despair some days. There are days when my cares seem to overwhelm me and I feel like I can't quite keep my head above these waves of emotions and circumstances.

   Our family has experienced a lot of changes recently. I'm expecting, we moved into a home with Carlos' Abuelo for a few months while he gets on his feet and then moves out. Carlos' job has been rough on him and on us financially. Carlos is also in the process of being interviewed for a new position. We seem to be in a place of transition in most areas of our lives. Change brings a lot of good things and also a lot of hard things. It's uncomfortable, difficult to navigate at times and brings out every selfish bone in my body. It affects who I am as a mother and wife.

   I have really struggled with the new big changes in our life. I'm normally a huge fan of change. I like new adventures and new experiences. Those of you that know me know we have had a lot of dramatic life changes over the course of our marriage. That has never really bothered me to the degree that is has this time. There is one thing I've noticed the third time around and that is simply this-I don't like change while pregnant. I REALLY don't like big changes while pregnant. The nesting/mommy side of me resists it and gets really uncomfortable with my inability to provide stability in the areas I like stability in. I stop trusting God at a time when he has shown himself more than faithful and generous every time. His track record is flawless. Mine is not. I struggle with these things every time. I know in my head that he has provided miraculously before and I remind myself of his goodness constantly. I still struggle to believe His ways are higher than mine when I can't get my eyes off of me. I am so grateful for grace. I am grateful for conviction. I'm asking God to help me show grace to my family as He generously extends it to me.

   God has been gently reminding me that He is the one who provides everything we need. I am not the provider. Carlos is not the provider. We are HIS children. He cares for us. He cares for the little children HE gave us more than I ever could. Why do I still struggle to believe him? Sin.

   Sin is ugly. My heart is ugly and it has shown itself a lot lately. I have been living with a crushed spirit that I chose. I chose to not trust. I chose to live in fear of the unknown. I chose to not put my hope in The Lord and to put it into me and my circumstances.
  
   Stability or lack thereof(as defined by my narrow minded, situational view) is not something I should let determine the condition of my heart or my level of joy. His consolations are enough. His plans are enough. His provision is enough. He is enough for me! I am choosing life, joy, faith and to turn my eyes to the giver of LIFE. I am asking Him to show me how to live fully in this place and to take my eyes off of myself and worthless things.

A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.
(Proverbs 15:13 ESV)
Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.
(Psalm 119:37 ESV)

I Can Do It!

I can do it! Words you probably wouldn't hear out of my mouth too often, but all too often come from my heart, and not in a good way. Have you ever struggled with holding onto something seemingly small, but big enough to become an idol in your life? Big enough to make a dramatic negative impact in your walk with the Lord? I have. I could tell you thousands of ways the Lord has dramatically provided above and beyond what I have ever needed and in many cases, what I just wanted. Ironically enough, this is the area where I struggle the most. I struggle to instinctively trust that God will provide, I struggle with confessing that I am struggling and not openly giving God the glory that comes by letting others see his provision. I struggle with not working, and "providing" things for my family that I easily could, if I was working. What I really mean is that I struggle with being my own savior. Working, making money and providing "things" doesn't impact my family for eternity. Who I am matters more than what I can "do" to provide. My "job" is to point my family to Christ in every aspect of my life and teach them to look to Him. What a privilege I take for granted far too often.

Thank you, Lord for your conviction, forgiveness and grace.

Isaiah 43:10-12

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁰ “You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
    “and my servant whom I have chosen,
that you may know and believe me
    and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
    nor shall there be any after me.
¹¹ I, I am the Lord,
    and besides me there is no savior.
¹² I declared and saved and proclaimed,
    when there was no strange god among you;
    and you are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and I am God.

Daily Adventures

People who think being a follower of Christ and surrendering your life to the will of God is boring, have obviously not truly surrendered. Being a follower of Christ will keep you on your toes in every area of your life. There is daily sanctification and growth, and with growth come growing pains. I am grateful for a God who not only rules and reigns but loves us and desires genuine relationship with his bride. Some of the areas that God has been stretching me in are ones very dear to my heart and areas that I continually need to surrender, sometimes on a daily basis. If i am to trust God with my eternity, why am I struggling to immediately trust Him with my today, tomorrow, future? Am I seeking independence from God by not trusting Him to provide for me? Do I really believe He is more than enough? Can I say I desire to seek Him with my whole heart? Thankful for a gracious and loving God that wants better things for me than I could ever imagine. Praying for wisdom and direction.

I Don't Want to Forget

I don't want to forget at 6-12 months: The way you wake up with a smile on your face every morning. The sloppy, wet kisses that you give with no restraint. Watching you read in the corner of your room for an hour at less than a year old. The way you watch your Daddy and mimic everything he does to me. Hearing you say MAMA and DADA as soon as you wake up. Watching you do everything yourself because you are a big boy. The way you booty dance like a sumo wrestler to foreign music. Hearing you breathe on my chest(and slobber) while you snuggle up for a nap. The way your hair curls after a bath. No matter how rough our day was there was never a night I didn't put you to bed without holding you close, kissing you and thanking God for giving you to us. Your happy heart, silly songs, dances, and compassion for others. Watching you comfort other children when they were upset. The kisses you gave me when I was sick and how you "helped me" by blowing my nose on your tissue. The millions of times we read the same books because you loved them so much. Watching you tackle Daddy in the living room and laugh as he throws you around. Seeing Daddy hold you on the couch as you watch sports together. You sit so still with him. Your love of animals and how you try to kiss them all on the mouth. You take it so personally when they don't kiss you back. The ridiculous noises we made to make you laugh. Your deep belly laugh and high pitched squeal. The way you dance and sing in worship at church. Seeing your diapered silhouette sitting in your window, watching the planes flying and making "airplane noises".

Grateful for Heartache

Today, like many days, I miss my family so much it hurts. My mom called to tell me she is, "really missing me" and "I hate you being so far away" like she often does. As much as I like to hear those words, it hurts. I replied with my usual, "I know, miss you, too!" and jokingly say, "that's what you get for raising kids who follow God's calling" as I try not to get choked up.

I am grateful for a family that I love so much I get to miss them, and who makes it clear they miss me, too. So many people around us don't have that privilege. I don't take it for granted, but it doesn't make it any easier to be away from them. I never pictured myself having kids and being alone. I grew up with family all around us and seeing my grandparents every day. I had always imagined my children would be loved on and have their grandparents speaking into their lives in the same way.

Watching Jayden change every day is the most exciting thing-but it's hard when there is nobody to share it with. I find myself saying, "I wish you could see the way he is talking and sitting up today" over the phone. It's just not the same.

I don't know exactly what God has in store for the future of our family and where it will take us. I told my mom this week that I am glad God called us away right after we got married. I think if we had settled down it would have been much harder for me to move away from family. That being said, I don't think God is calling us back to Texas anytime soon and yet, I still have a hard time imagining life always being this way.
I have a hard time not resenting the fact we have such a loving family that we are so far away from, and yet, I try to tell myself to BE that loving family for someone else. If God calls me to love someone like my family loves me, I pray I can do it with all my heart. I pray the rooms of our house will be filled with people who need love and to be shown what family is. I am so grateful for the example I have been given in that area, and I would be honored to pass it along. Praying for the strength to always do it with a happy heart.

Grateful, even when it hurts,

Lyd