Wisdom vs. Will

Those of you that know us personally know that we are in the middle of the adoption process. Our heart is to adopt a sibling group of two. Adoption has been an issue close to our hearts since before we were married, long before we had any children. With having four children now, we get a wide variety of responses and commentary on our family convictions. I experienced this frequently when we had custody of our nephew during Ian's first year of life. With four children under age three, I drew a lot of attention doing normal things, like grocery shopping. Most of the remarks were directed towards me, personally, as a young mother with children who happened to look like they all had different fathers. While most of the comments we receive now are positive and occasionally even encouraging, we do frequently receive off-colored comments. The biggest reality check and disappointment has been the realization that most of the negative comments and questions come from people who profess to be Christians.

Here are a few of our regular offenders:

How are you going to afford that?

Did you say you want MORE kids?

Oh, my! You already have your hands full!

You won't be able to go on vacation very often.

How are you going to pay for college for all of those children?

I bet your husband doesn't REALLY want to do that.

Can't you just be happy with the children you have?

You're going to be one of THOSE families.

I bet you homeschool, too!

Do you believe in using birth control?

How is that going to affect your children?

Won't your children be uncomfortable or get hurt?

What does your family think?

Is that a wise decision?

The common theme in most of the comments/questions is fear, inconvenience and/or discomfort of some kind. What they are really asking is, "how are you going to make it on your own?" They immediately assume that God is completely out of the picture. He might have asked us to do this, but surely he won't stick with us through it. The assumption is that we, as a family, are resolving to suffer our way through the rest of our lives, miserable and broke. Our kids will surely suffer life-long emotional and maybe even a physical pain because of our reckless decisions.

I am not going to pretend for a second that adding two children with trauma backgrounds to our current dynamic will be easy. It will be hard. It will hurt. It will offend us in ways we haven't experienced before. It will challenge and push us to our limits, and that's exactly where we need to be; reliant on the Lord and not our own strength. This is also where our wonderful community has stepped in and been involved in our obedience. They have supported and encouraged us every step of the way.

The people who are most uncomfortable with our decisions have made it clear to me that the pursuit of the "American Dream", selfishness, idolatry, a reasonable comfort level for ourselves or our children could all be excused in the name of "wisdom". In the name of "protecting" our family. If we, as Christians, are not willing to let our families suffer for the sake of the gospel, for the sake of God's glory (and not our own), we are running straight into the arms and comforts of the world. We are turning our backs on the one who gave his life for us. He didn't do that so we could sit back, sip an iced tea (Texan here) and watch people run straight to the gates of hell. When it comes to protecting my children from pain, I understand the argument here. I take the safety of my children very seriously, but since when am I responsible for the sanctification of my own children? That's up to God. If he calls us to adoption, he calls our children, too. It might hurt them. It likely will hurt them at times. I understand that, but their comfort and safety is not a substitute for obedience.

James 1:27

Pure and undefiled religion before our God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

I don't see anything about financial stability in the form of excess money mentioned here. I don't see anything about the impact our actions (that we are commanded, not suggested to do), on our children or extended families mentioned here. Looking different than the world has become a cause for concern, instead of a benchmark for obedience in walking out our faith.

Matthew 26:42

Again Jesus went to pray and said, "My Father, if there is no other way, and I must suffer, I will still do what you want."

Jesus knew his obedience would be difficult. He knew it would hurt those closest to him. He knew that he could not do it in his own strength. He didn't bow-out when given the chance. No excuses were made for his resolve. Obedience and his father's will being done were his greatest concerns.

I don't make any assumptions moving forward about what will happen to/in our family, aside from the assumption that God will be there. Every step of the way this far he has been. His faithfulness has been undeniable. His provision has been supernatural. His grace has covered our deepest failures. His spirit has led and comforted us. His joy has been contagious. His peace has surpassed our understanding. That doesn't vanish when we follow through in obedience to what he has asked us to do.

Have you ever asked someone any of the above questions? While some are a simple and playful attempt to engage in conversation, they are words that speak something. Are they speaking life or death?

If we can ask the Holy Spirit to change our internal dialog and reflexes from fear to obedience, we can obey with great joy. We can encourage and push others on, instead of making them question and doubt. If we can stop projecting our beliefs about God onto others and stop to listen what he is doing in them, we can learn something.

In closing, I would like to suggest some responses to replace the statements and questions I listed above. Think about your words. Your questions. What are they speaking to others? What do they reveal about what you believe about God?

How are you going to afford that?

~How exciting! How can we pray for and support you?~

Did you say you want MORE kids?

~I would love to hear more about your family's story!~

Oh, my! You already have your hands full!

~What a beautiful family! ~

You won't be able to go on vacation very often.

~What are your favorite outings/activities?~

How are you going to pay for college for all of those children?

~I will pray for provision for your family and the things God calls you to.~

I bet your husband doesn't REALLY want to do that.

~I would be happy to babysit for you sometime.~ : ) These people are the best!

Can't you just be happy with the children you have?

~What is the Lord teaching you through adoption?~

You're going to be one of THOSE families.

~How can I support you?~

I bet you home school, too!

~I am curious to know how your family functions in practical ways.~

Do you believe in using birth control?

~What made you decide to grow your family?~

How is that decision going to impact your children?

~What are your children looking forward to doing with their new siblings?~

Won't your children be uncomfortable or get hurt?

~How do you prepare your family for adoption?~

What does your family think?

~Do you have a support system?~

Is that a wise decision?

~What led you to make that decision?~

I am an inquisitive person. I always have been and always will be. I am not offended by questions, but I do believe they reveal a lot about a person. My hope is that our openness and honesty about our experiences will challenge and encourage you to ask the Lord where He wants you to be more obedient, and where you are settling for comfort instead of reliance on Him.

~Lyd

The Gospel of Politics

I'm not one to post a lot about politics, but I've been shocked and embarrassed by what I've seen this year. I will occasionally use humor to process the things I'm thinking about, so here goes my one political post this season.
I write this in a joking way, not because it's not serious, but because it's time to lighten up and think about where your hope really is; and where you want others to ultimately put theirs.

The Gospel of Politics
(as witnessed on my FB friend's pages)

Thou shalt not listen to hear the perspective or heart of someone voicing an opinion that differs from your own.
Thou shalt insult the integrity and intelligence of those whose opinion differs from your own.
Thou shalt call into question the salvation of others based upon their political convictions.
Thou shalt announce your hope and salvation in politics by publicly proclaiming your intent to shun those who have not chosen the same candidate/savior.
Thou shalt turn every conversation where someone is seeking to understand another’s views, into your own personal platform.
Thou shalt remove 1 Corinthians 1:10-13 from personal beliefs during election season.
Thou shalt use passive aggressive memes against candidates to say things you don’t have the courage to say yourself.
Thou shalt not extend the same Christian grace which has been extended to you, to those who differ in their political conviction.
Thou shalt not use the difficult conversations of important issues to be an example in grace, humility, integrity, passion, intelligence, understanding and respect.
Thou shalt make sure your faith, witness, friendships and influences are all negatively impacted forever by your words spoken without restraint or care for the soul of the person on the other side of the conversation.

Playtime Backfired

If your kids convince you to play "lava" with them, you have to seriously consider if you have time to take someone to the ER. That person will be you. 40 pillows spread across the entire living/kitchen areas, and when it's your turn to cross the lava they will tell you to do it really fast. When you are crossing "really fast", they will be caught up in the excitement of the moment and decide to rip a pillow out from beneath your landing spot. This will cause you to bust you tailbone on the wood floor. It will be difficult to not scream profanity, but you prevail (because Jesus is doing a good work in you). The children will be impressed by your spectacular fall, then realize what they have done and immediately repent.
Mom will be conducting the rest of the day's activities from the couch with an ice pack.

The things I do for my children...haha. Never again...

Death Steals in Silence (Sophie's Song).

You are good, ever faithful

Present help, in my desperate time of need

Gracious, merciful, I will ever tell my soul to believe

You have a perfect plan

Your ways are higher, but my heart does not understand

I’m asking you to use me

When it hurts to trust your will

Take my anguish in your hands, use this bitter, suffering

For your glory, for your fame

You are good

Ever Faithful

My arms will always long to hold her

But my heart can cry out praise

You love her more than I could ever fathom

In your presence she knows no suffering

You have made her new

My heart’s greatest desire

Was that she would come to know you deeply

And in your great loving, mercy

You took her straight into your arms

This broken heart starts to question

When I can’t hold her in my arms

Or see her before my eyes

But my soul proclaims your truth

And you are drawing me closer to you

These ashes are not the end

Death will not steal with silence

Your praises flow from my lips

This pain will not cast a shadow

On the beauty of your face

My heart is overwhelmed

But you have overcome

You know this pain as your own

And I have come to know you deeper

To love you more IN this suffering

I don’t pretend to understand

But I can trust my life in your hands

There is no better place to cry out

You are ever the rock on which my soul stands

Look Upon the Giver

Control promised this illusion of safety. I thought shallow waters made it harder to drown.

I clung tight to things that kept me afloat, and kept my eyes off of You.

I refused to see your goodness. These waves must have come from you.

Mercy was clearly set before me, but my heart was blinded, still clinging on to lies.

How can you rescue someone who doesn’t see they’re drowning?

In my struggle, You led me deeper, out into open water.

The salt stung my eyes, and my lungs felt like they were collapsing.

In the middle of my drowning, I realized that this is where life is found.

I once longed to trust in the things I could hold onto-the things that appeared to be strong.

I tried to understand You, by comparing You to what I can comprehend.

That left me with an incomplete view of who You are-

Leaving me with who I wanted You to be, and still looking for more.

Relationship with You began, and I caught a glimpse of who You are.

You are pure, holy, powerful, wise and just. There is no one like You. None besides You.

The illusions of You I used to comfort myself with, can not be sustained.

This is real, continual refinement and surrender-

Redemption is bursting forth from Your hands.

To know You is to love You. To trust my life in Your hands.

To surrender control and admit my rebellion.

Omission is not an option. There is nothing unspoken, unsaid.

You know the depths of my soul. The condition of my heart.

I know that I can not save myself, or leave Your watchful eyes

I was treading water when You asked me to walk upon the waves

You didn’t invite me out of the storm, You invited me to change my view

You are calling me, into raging waters, asking me to trust You,

answering a naive petition, uttered as a half-hearted prayer, to really know you.

Through the waves, You are teaching me who you are, teaching me who I am

I don’t have to fear the storms that come.

My hope is no longer in the things I think can weather a storm

I know You, the One who whispers to the waves. You are my hope.

Trusting in You, is trusting that every outpouring leads me back to the Fountain

In water’s gentle whispers and when thrown into the waves, I am not alone

You’ve turned my eyes from the gifts I clung to, and let me look upon the Giver

For This Child I Prayed

  There are two parts to this post. One part is some background on why this means a lot to me, and current inner dialog/things I’m hashing out and trying to put into action. Part two is where I am with the Lord right now and what He has been showing me through studying 1 Samuel. 

(Grammar police, leave now. These are thoughts thrown together-not a formal paper : ).

Here we go...

  Every year I face a uniquely difficult day in which choices have to be made. It is an anniversary date that is difficult to celebrate and remember, but one that continually pulls me closer to the Lord. 

July 27, 2010 was the day I was given the news that I was almost 3 months pregnant! One short hour later I also learned that I was already losing that baby. That was a very dark day for me, and a defining moment in my relationship with the Lord. It started an open dialog with God that had never been really honest, on my part.

 Much like another day I will now face every April(and honestly, every SINGLE day right now), there are choices to be made on these painful days. I’m going to share my choices, my inspiration and what my relationship with the Lord looks like, as I continually hash all of this out with Him.

 
I’ve always wondered what other moms who have lost children do on the days that feel like lifetimes. I know a lot of women who have lost babies(not “just” pregnancies), but I don’t REALLY know anything about those losses. Before my loss, I didn’t know what it really looked like to lose a baby. Nobody EVER talked about those babies, and what life looked like when they suddenly weren’t there anymore. I didn’t know how physically painful it was or how emotionally draining it was. I didn’t know there could be dozens of women in the same room as me, who had been in my shoes, and I could still feel totally alone in my experience. It is something that happens to so many, but is spoken of by so few. Grief and death are very personal and intimate in nature, and everyone deals with them in different ways. I respect that. There was one thing that was consistent-a recurring theme that I became aware of long before my first loss(and has been very obvious in the last three months). That theme is fear. Fear of what other people think, specifically.

*clears throat*

*steps onto soapbox* 

(*Disclaimer*-This is not directed at anyone, just a general theme I've noticed and have experienced. I have had wonderful community through our grief and appreciate all they have done for us).

  
 Grief and mourning make people uncomfortable. In some circles I’ve been in, they almost become taboo subjects. Since announcing Sophia’s death, countless people have reached out because they have gone through a loss-and have gone through it alone. They have been afraid. Afraid to really grieve. Afraid to walk that difficult road alone-so they don’t even try. The root of a lot of that fear comes from their own families. There is fear of what people will say, or even how the grieving person might respond themselves(grief hits out of nowhere). Grief can disarm you. There are triggers of all kinds. I cried in the middle of Costco recently. There was a new display of beautiful little tutus, surrounded by little girls and their moms. It hit me really hard that I won’t ever get to buy my baby girl one. I had imagined being that mom watching her daughter’s face light up. I never got to see Sophia smile. Ugly crying in Costco is something everyone should experience(not really), but you will quickly realize how socially unacceptable it is to have anything but a smile plastered on your face. You can see the terror in people’s eyes when they realize you’re hurting. It’s obvious that their little bubble just got really uncomfortable. 

  I for one, am already tired. I’m tired of people using fear to avoid grief themselves or to avoid walking with someone through grief. “I might say something to make her cry”, “I don’t know what to say”, “I don’t know how to talk to her anymore”. Guess what? You don’t have to say ANYTHING. It’s not your job to make her feel better. It’s not your job to make her grief look clean and tidy. Stop being afraid of making people “uncomfortable” or something being culturally “off limits” as an excuse to not roll up your sleeves and get real with people who need Jesus and need you. People need someone who is willing to put aside their fear of awkward situations and just dive in. Is it going to kill you to offer a meal? A smile? A silent but meaningful hug? People need others who are willing to just be there. You don’t have to talk. Maybe you just need to listen. You simply need to put yourself out there. There is a rough road ahead. That road is going to leave people crawling through the dirt some days. Are you willing to get dirty with them? Can you be that person for someone? Can you just show up? Can you use your own pain and suffering to encourage someone else?          How can your honesty be used for impact? What if instead of telling someone, “I’m praying for you”, you said, “can I walk with you through this?” How different would suffering be if more people asked that question? Sometimes people can’t handle that question, and just need you to take some initiative. Talking might be hard for someone grieving. Everyone grieves differently, but most people have the same basic needs. Can you meet some needs? Yes, you can. Maybe just love bomb them until they are ready to tell you how you can walk with them. Don’t sit on the sidelines and watch someone struggle. We can do better than that.

This is me putting myself out there! My friends know that I am an open book, and I really do mean that. If something I’ve gone through can be used to encourage or help someone else, it’s on the table. If you have a hard question, ask away. If you need someone to walk with, speak up! We weren’t meant to go through this stuff alone. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only mom(person) who has needed someone in the middle of a crisis to look into my eyes and say, “you can be hurting, and still choose worship. He is still good,”

You don’t have to forget something, to need to be reminded.

We need reminders in our grief. Reminders push us closer to Him.

We need reminders in our grief. Reminders push us closer to Him.

  I am not afraid of what people think about my grief. I’m just really starting to embark on that journey. My feet are just getting wet. My prayer is that my suffering can be used to point others to Christ, and that my honesty in conversations or posts will encourage you to have hard conversations with those around you. 

*steps off soapbox*

 Obviously I’m a fan of community. Get you some, ok? I love my people fiercely. They have loved me well. They have reminded me who I serve, they have rolled up their sleeves and crawled down in the dirt with me-but we don’t stay there. They pull me along, and we move forward. We can’t change what has happened, but we can choose who we are, and how we respond to our situations. My personal strategy for those days I am crawling in the dirt with people, looking up into the face of a Savior who knows my pain-is to choose to spend those days in worship. I choose to answer questions that people ask, honestly and openly. I don’t always wake up wanting to worship. I hate facing situations that will sting. I hate walking into rooms of people that I know are going to say things they don’t mean. Honestly, right now, I hate going to bed at night. I have to fight my thoughts with scripture and remind myself who I belong to. I need to remind myself who those sweet babies have always belonged to. I don’t always feel like praising God in my suffering. There are a lot of feelings, but if I don’t choose to speak truth to my soul, those feelings will run all over it. Surround yourself with the truth and people who know it, and can(will) speak it back to you.

  Now, for what I’ve been chewing on and trying to apply to my daily life. I’ve been in 1 Samuel. We all know the story, but this story changed when I experienced the anguish and bitter weeping Hannah described, for myself.

  Six years ago, before I knew I was pregnant with that first baby, Hannah’s words in 1 Samuel were challenging me. I could relate to her desperation. There was a very real possibility I would not be able to have a baby due to excessive scar tissue and PCOS. I spent many hours pleading for the desires of my heart. I knew that a child from God would always be His, but it hadn’t felt personal yet. After losing the baby I pleaded for, things got real...in the best way. God answered my prayers for more of Him. In that answered prayer, He also gave me more children. He didn’t stop there. In the more recent death of Sophia, He answered my heart’s biggest prayer-for her to know Him for herself. That is my prayer for all of my children! I think it is safe to say that she knows Him better than any of us do right now. I see God’s goodness in that.

His character has never been more real to me. The richness I experience when I spend time with him is intensely sweet. He has been exceedingly gentle with me in my suffering. I have never felt his presence so tangibly. I don’t doubt His goodness. I don’t doubt that His plan for my life is good, but I still have to speak truth and fight the lies that are so easy to believe.

 I have spent the last month really digging in deep to Hannah’s psalm of praise in 1 Samuel 2. The entire book is rich with the character of God, but her Psalm is what I’m leaning on today. It has become my prayer.

Hannah's Prayer

2 And Hannah prayed and said,

“My heart exults in the Lord;

    my horn is exalted in the Lord.

My mouth derides my enemies,

    because I rejoice in your salvation.

2 “There is none holy like the Lord:

    for there is none besides you;

    there is no rock like our God.

3 Talk no more so very proudly,

    let not arrogance come from your mouth;

for the Lord is a God of knowledge,

    and by him actions are weighed.

4 The bows of the mighty are broken,

    but the feeble bind on strength.

5 Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread,

    but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger.

The barren has borne seven,

    but she who has many children is forlorn.

6 The Lord kills and brings to life;

    he brings down to Sheol and raises up.

7 The Lord makes poor and makes rich;

    he brings low and he exalts.

8 He raises up the poor from the dust;

    he lifts the needy from the ash heap

to make them sit with princes

    and inherit a seat of honor.

For the pillars of the earth are the Lord's,

    and on them he has set the world.

9 “He will guard the feet of his faithful ones,

    but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness,

    for not by might shall a man prevail.

10 The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces;

    against them he will thunder in heaven.

The Lord will judge the ends of the earth;

    he will give strength to his king

    and exalt the horn of his anointed.”

  She pours out her heart to God. She isn’t calculated and perfect, she is honest and raw. Her psalm is full of truths, and she is declaring her devout devotion to God. There is thanksgiving for answering her heart’s prayer, while painfully placing that answered prayer back at His feet. His faithfulness in her past assured her of His continuing faithfulness. Hannah trusted the Lord to help her keep her vow.

  There was grace for her in the midst of her suffering. She chooses to worship through her anguish. She chooses to declare the power and sovereignty of God, while prophetically praying for the coming King-who she just weaned. Hannah is not wallowing in her pain, focusing on herself, her suffering or her empty arms. She is focused on who God is. She is able to see him more clearly in her pain. His character is praised. She knows He is good. She starts by calling God Holy, and faithful, all knowing, gracious(ouch), all powerful, sovereign, able to change impossible circumstances. 

 What if He doesn’t change those impossible circumstances like you want Him to? I begged for Sophia’s life. My situation did not change, but I certainly did.

 Does that sound like someone you can trust? Do you trust him? You can. Hannah inspires me to choose to worship the God who walks with and speaks to His people, in the midst of their suffering-not just before or after. My prayer is that in the midst of my suffering, I will choose to praise Him and embrace the freedom found in Him. I believe that my circumstances are not simply an open opportunity to call God’s character into question, but an opportunity to let Him continually transform me into someone who bears His image.

 -Lyd

  

Great Expectations

Real talk...I struggle with expectations...probably more than anything else. Expectations are the doorway of many of my sin issues. Expectations, or specifically, expectations that are not being met, are where a lot of the ugliness in me stems from. I looked up the definition just for kicks, and it was a convicting gut punch. I felt like God spoke this little definition  directly to my heart, just to remind me what it is I'm allowing (choosing) to rule me.

ex·pec·ta·tion

ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/

noun

plural noun: expectations

1. a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

   "reality had not lived up to expectations"

   synonyms:

   supposition, assumption, presumption, conjecture, surmise, calculation, prediction, hopeMore

   • a belief that someone will or should achieve something.

     "students had high expectations for their future"

     synonyms:

     supposition, assumption, presumption, conjecture, surmise, calculation,  prediction,hope "her expectations were unrealistic"  (<----Coincidence? I think not...)

   • archaic

     one's prospects of inheritance.  (Ouch...gut punch)

   
   

   
   
2. Alrighty...so, that was convicting for me. I could write a book on all my expectations, and why I have them, but the truth is they all have one thing in common, and that is my pride. Here are some of my most prevailing expectations, that wreak havoc on my life when they aren't met:

My children's behavior: 

I expect them to obey. 

I expect them to be responsible (within reason).

I expect them to not make the same mistakes over and over again.

I expect to see progress and improvements in areas where I have invested so much of my own time and energy (identity-ouch).

My marriage:

I expect my husband to read my mind and for us to communicate with ease.

I expect my husband to learn patterns in our relationship and react accordingly.

I expect my husband to do things the way I would do them in any given situation.

I expect my husband to be the man I think he should be or the man I see other men being in any given situation.

I expect my husband to lead my family the way I imagine him leading us.
I essentially expect him to not be who God created him to be. Uhg. Ouch.

For myself:

I expect myself to respond to my husband and my children with sacrificial love and patience.

I expect myself to perform to my own high standards every moment of every day.

I expect myself to be the wife I imagined I would be and was told I "should be".

I expect myself to live a perfectly balanced lifestyle of service to family and church body, my community, self care, maintaining friendships and developing new ones, taking time to read and do my devotions, plan and cook healthy meals, whatever...the expectations sometimes become more as the day goes on. There is always room for improvement, and I seem to be the first to notice and the first to be frustrated when that "improvement" isn't accomplished. 

I won't even get into expectations of friends and family, my church family, husband's employer, etc. The list could go on forever.

There are two main root issues that I can always trace these expectations back to. Pride and control. Those are two pretty ugly words. They tell me I have put my identity in things other than Jesus and that I don't trust Him. They show themselves in my responses to experiencing disappointment. If I were to take those two ugly factors out of any life equation, my responses would be drastically different. What if I could replace them with grace and humility? What would that do to the climate of my home? My marriage? My relationship and responses to my children? How much more of an impact would I make for the kingdom of God, if I could just leave behind the kingdom of Lydia? 

That is what I'm working on right now. My responses lately have been out of pride, anger and control. I'm asking God to help me be more aware of the condition of my heart, so I can see where I need to choose new expectations. I'm asking him to replace the ugly manifestations of sin within me, with His character.

My great expectations should be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.