Grateful for Heartache

Today, like many days, I miss my family so much it hurts. My mom called to tell me she is, "really missing me" and "I hate you being so far away" like she often does. As much as I like to hear those words, it hurts. I replied with my usual, "I know, miss you, too!" and jokingly say, "that's what you get for raising kids who follow God's calling" as I try not to get choked up.

I am grateful for a family that I love so much I get to miss them, and who makes it clear they miss me, too. So many people around us don't have that privilege. I don't take it for granted, but it doesn't make it any easier to be away from them. I never pictured myself having kids and being alone. I grew up with family all around us and seeing my grandparents every day. I had always imagined my children would be loved on and have their grandparents speaking into their lives in the same way.

Watching Jayden change every day is the most exciting thing-but it's hard when there is nobody to share it with. I find myself saying, "I wish you could see the way he is talking and sitting up today" over the phone. It's just not the same.

I don't know exactly what God has in store for the future of our family and where it will take us. I told my mom this week that I am glad God called us away right after we got married. I think if we had settled down it would have been much harder for me to move away from family. That being said, I don't think God is calling us back to Texas anytime soon and yet, I still have a hard time imagining life always being this way.
I have a hard time not resenting the fact we have such a loving family that we are so far away from, and yet, I try to tell myself to BE that loving family for someone else. If God calls me to love someone like my family loves me, I pray I can do it with all my heart. I pray the rooms of our house will be filled with people who need love and to be shown what family is. I am so grateful for the example I have been given in that area, and I would be honored to pass it along. Praying for the strength to always do it with a happy heart.

Grateful, even when it hurts,

Lyd

Conviction

“If you live gladly to make others glad in God, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full.” John Piper

“If you don't feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great.”
― John Piper, A Hunger for God

(I was convicted of stuffing my soul with "small things". Praying for greater expectations).

Today these quotes have been eating away at me. I have always loved the first one. Perhaps, I have loved it but not always implemented it-thus not really having "full joy". Am I living to make others glad in God or am I living to make myself glad? I have to admit I have been focusing too much on the latter. In my first post I talked about being afraid of living up to my full potential and calling, and that plays a huge roll how I respond to others.

This last year I have come to realize I don't have many friends that I have a deep relationship with. I'm not one to have many very close friends, I prefer to have a few very close friends and others on a less intimate basis. I have one very close friend here in Phoenix that I trust and who knows the real me, my struggles, convictions, joys, sorrows, etc. and we have a wonderful relationship that I look forward to developing; but I have not put forth the effort to develop any more.
Moving around as much as we have has played a large roll in that area. I tend to be open and honest with people when directly asked anything, but I don't develop true friendships. I hate growing to love people and then leaving them. Having moved twice in two years I almost expected to pick up and move again in a year, so I didn't really pour myself into anyone for their benefit or my own this last year. I hate loving and leaving, but I felt convicted about the level in which I developed relationships with the girls in our youth group this last year. Instead of diving in and giving everything I could-I held back-a lot. I regret that and hope this year will bring us closer together as I open myself up to them and to be used however God sees fit.

Embracing change,

Lyd

Wife, Mother, Friend

My self evaluation and recent convictions have left me thinking about what it means to me be a wife, mother and friend. I know the basics, but I haven't been taking dramatic steps to be the wife, mother and friend I know I am capable of being. Realizing you don't just arrive at a point of deep relationship I have set out to be more intentional. I want to be more intentional in my words, actions, prayer life and attitude towards those three categories of relationships.

As a wife I want to:
Be more intentional in the little things-playing frisbee when I don't want to, going out when I'd rather stay in, be less critical, be more playful, trust more and analyze less, surprise him, listen more and talk less, pray with more conviction and passion and be more specific in my prayers.

As a mother I want to:
Pray God's will over J's life and not my desires, show him what it means to love God and others, teach him how to be a gentleman, memorize scriptures with him, be silly with him, enjoy every moment of snuggles, kiss him even if he doesn't want one, speak life to him, show him how I love and respect his father, show him grace and pray more earnestly for his future.

As a friend I want to:
Be there for my friends in any way possible. Being far away from my closest friends is difficult, but I am thankful for the effort they put into our friendships and I am determined to increase my effort. For the friends around me, I want to be more intentional about getting to know them better. I want to have them over to eat, to be involved in their lives, encourage them in practical ways and show them extravagant love.

I want to befriend people that need a friend.

Saying NO to apathy today and YES to hard work and love,

Lyd

Faithful in the Little Things

It's a lesson I learn over and over again. You'd think it would be reflex for me to respond with full trust in times of transition; but that is something I still aspire to. The little things, that seem to be very big things, until you remember who is in control. This month's example is our housing situation.

In November we realized we would not be staying in our current apartment. The housing search began, but as those of you who have rented before know, not much can be accomplished until you are within weeks of your move out date. I spent too much of November stressing over where we would live in the new year. The month of December was long and I was sick to my stomach at the thought of having no idea where we would live in just a few short weeks. Our Christmas vacation was coming up, we had no place secure and when we returned we would have three short weeks to find a place to live. (Insert sinful panic here). I managed to get through our vacation without much thought of this issue(much to my own surprise). Upon returning we went to look at a few places and didn't like any of them, until the last house. As soon as I walked in the door I loved it. I said a little prayer for the all tile, room for guests, house on a culdesac with a park at the end of the street. That was on Friday and by Monday we were getting the paperwork in order. We will have the keys two weeks before we have to be out of this apartment, saving us from a stressful move.

Everything seemed to go too peacefully-and that is the problem-my problem. I assumed it would be hard, stressful, and God would swoop in at the last minute with a less than ideal option. Why? That's not how he has ever done anything in regards to our family. His faithfulness has been in the big things and the little things(such as an all tile house). Tile is a want not a need. I wanted tile, and God graciously gave me a house with ALL tile. How dare I doubt his desire to give me the smallest desires of my heart?

This year I want my thoughts, reaction, expectations to reflect God's faithfulness in an instant; not as a last resort. I want to expect God to do wonderful things in and through our family. I want to be used to show others the faithfulness of God. I want our family to be faithful in the little things.

Anticipating a great year,

Lyd

The Challenge Ahead

Do you ever hear something so often it loses meaning to you? This morning the lyrics of Great is Thy Faithfulness were playing in my head. My grandfather used to sing it around his house when I was little and I am very familiar with the song. The lyrics are wonderful, but they have become just that. They have lost meaning to me when I sing them. If I am to be honest, I don't believe that more often than naught. Why is that? In my head I believe that God is faithful, but do my heart and my actions prove it? They haven't this last year, and there certainly isn't any reason for them not to. God has been more than faithful, more than generous, and more loving than I could ever imagine.

So why don't my actions, thoughts, etc. show it? The simple answer is-sin. I have doubted God(though proven wrong every time). I have feared my future, the future of my family, the future of my marriage, the safety of my baby, and anything I could possibly not have complete control over.

I have been guilty of not fully trusting God by not fully trusting my husband because of fear. Fear of a life too hard or more lonely than I'd imagined. Fear that our family will always struggle, fear that God might be calling me to something higher than I call myself to. That's the scariest one. Truthfully, I just realized that's what I am most scared of.

I am challenging myself this year. Challenging myself in ways I've always been too scared to before. This blog is going to follow my journey of discovering what life is like when I really believe what I know to be true and follow through with actions. I'm not afraid to be honest and I'll probably say some things I'd normally be afraid to admit. I want to grow and growing things change.

Great is thy faithfulness! Great is thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed thy hand hath provided;
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!