For This Child I Prayed

  There are two parts to this post. One part is some background on why this means a lot to me, and current inner dialog/things I’m hashing out and trying to put into action. Part two is where I am with the Lord right now and what He has been showing me through studying 1 Samuel. 

(Grammar police, leave now. These are thoughts thrown together-not a formal paper : ).

Here we go...

  Every year I face a uniquely difficult day in which choices have to be made. It is an anniversary date that is difficult to celebrate and remember, but one that continually pulls me closer to the Lord. 

July 27, 2010 was the day I was given the news that I was almost 3 months pregnant! One short hour later I also learned that I was already losing that baby. That was a very dark day for me, and a defining moment in my relationship with the Lord. It started an open dialog with God that had never been really honest, on my part.

 Much like another day I will now face every April(and honestly, every SINGLE day right now), there are choices to be made on these painful days. I’m going to share my choices, my inspiration and what my relationship with the Lord looks like, as I continually hash all of this out with Him.

 
I’ve always wondered what other moms who have lost children do on the days that feel like lifetimes. I know a lot of women who have lost babies(not “just” pregnancies), but I don’t REALLY know anything about those losses. Before my loss, I didn’t know what it really looked like to lose a baby. Nobody EVER talked about those babies, and what life looked like when they suddenly weren’t there anymore. I didn’t know how physically painful it was or how emotionally draining it was. I didn’t know there could be dozens of women in the same room as me, who had been in my shoes, and I could still feel totally alone in my experience. It is something that happens to so many, but is spoken of by so few. Grief and death are very personal and intimate in nature, and everyone deals with them in different ways. I respect that. There was one thing that was consistent-a recurring theme that I became aware of long before my first loss(and has been very obvious in the last three months). That theme is fear. Fear of what other people think, specifically.

*clears throat*

*steps onto soapbox* 

(*Disclaimer*-This is not directed at anyone, just a general theme I've noticed and have experienced. I have had wonderful community through our grief and appreciate all they have done for us).

  
 Grief and mourning make people uncomfortable. In some circles I’ve been in, they almost become taboo subjects. Since announcing Sophia’s death, countless people have reached out because they have gone through a loss-and have gone through it alone. They have been afraid. Afraid to really grieve. Afraid to walk that difficult road alone-so they don’t even try. The root of a lot of that fear comes from their own families. There is fear of what people will say, or even how the grieving person might respond themselves(grief hits out of nowhere). Grief can disarm you. There are triggers of all kinds. I cried in the middle of Costco recently. There was a new display of beautiful little tutus, surrounded by little girls and their moms. It hit me really hard that I won’t ever get to buy my baby girl one. I had imagined being that mom watching her daughter’s face light up. I never got to see Sophia smile. Ugly crying in Costco is something everyone should experience(not really), but you will quickly realize how socially unacceptable it is to have anything but a smile plastered on your face. You can see the terror in people’s eyes when they realize you’re hurting. It’s obvious that their little bubble just got really uncomfortable. 

  I for one, am already tired. I’m tired of people using fear to avoid grief themselves or to avoid walking with someone through grief. “I might say something to make her cry”, “I don’t know what to say”, “I don’t know how to talk to her anymore”. Guess what? You don’t have to say ANYTHING. It’s not your job to make her feel better. It’s not your job to make her grief look clean and tidy. Stop being afraid of making people “uncomfortable” or something being culturally “off limits” as an excuse to not roll up your sleeves and get real with people who need Jesus and need you. People need someone who is willing to put aside their fear of awkward situations and just dive in. Is it going to kill you to offer a meal? A smile? A silent but meaningful hug? People need others who are willing to just be there. You don’t have to talk. Maybe you just need to listen. You simply need to put yourself out there. There is a rough road ahead. That road is going to leave people crawling through the dirt some days. Are you willing to get dirty with them? Can you be that person for someone? Can you just show up? Can you use your own pain and suffering to encourage someone else?          How can your honesty be used for impact? What if instead of telling someone, “I’m praying for you”, you said, “can I walk with you through this?” How different would suffering be if more people asked that question? Sometimes people can’t handle that question, and just need you to take some initiative. Talking might be hard for someone grieving. Everyone grieves differently, but most people have the same basic needs. Can you meet some needs? Yes, you can. Maybe just love bomb them until they are ready to tell you how you can walk with them. Don’t sit on the sidelines and watch someone struggle. We can do better than that.

This is me putting myself out there! My friends know that I am an open book, and I really do mean that. If something I’ve gone through can be used to encourage or help someone else, it’s on the table. If you have a hard question, ask away. If you need someone to walk with, speak up! We weren’t meant to go through this stuff alone. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only mom(person) who has needed someone in the middle of a crisis to look into my eyes and say, “you can be hurting, and still choose worship. He is still good,”

You don’t have to forget something, to need to be reminded.

We need reminders in our grief. Reminders push us closer to Him.

We need reminders in our grief. Reminders push us closer to Him.

  I am not afraid of what people think about my grief. I’m just really starting to embark on that journey. My feet are just getting wet. My prayer is that my suffering can be used to point others to Christ, and that my honesty in conversations or posts will encourage you to have hard conversations with those around you. 

*steps off soapbox*

 Obviously I’m a fan of community. Get you some, ok? I love my people fiercely. They have loved me well. They have reminded me who I serve, they have rolled up their sleeves and crawled down in the dirt with me-but we don’t stay there. They pull me along, and we move forward. We can’t change what has happened, but we can choose who we are, and how we respond to our situations. My personal strategy for those days I am crawling in the dirt with people, looking up into the face of a Savior who knows my pain-is to choose to spend those days in worship. I choose to answer questions that people ask, honestly and openly. I don’t always wake up wanting to worship. I hate facing situations that will sting. I hate walking into rooms of people that I know are going to say things they don’t mean. Honestly, right now, I hate going to bed at night. I have to fight my thoughts with scripture and remind myself who I belong to. I need to remind myself who those sweet babies have always belonged to. I don’t always feel like praising God in my suffering. There are a lot of feelings, but if I don’t choose to speak truth to my soul, those feelings will run all over it. Surround yourself with the truth and people who know it, and can(will) speak it back to you.

  Now, for what I’ve been chewing on and trying to apply to my daily life. I’ve been in 1 Samuel. We all know the story, but this story changed when I experienced the anguish and bitter weeping Hannah described, for myself.

  Six years ago, before I knew I was pregnant with that first baby, Hannah’s words in 1 Samuel were challenging me. I could relate to her desperation. There was a very real possibility I would not be able to have a baby due to excessive scar tissue and PCOS. I spent many hours pleading for the desires of my heart. I knew that a child from God would always be His, but it hadn’t felt personal yet. After losing the baby I pleaded for, things got real...in the best way. God answered my prayers for more of Him. In that answered prayer, He also gave me more children. He didn’t stop there. In the more recent death of Sophia, He answered my heart’s biggest prayer-for her to know Him for herself. That is my prayer for all of my children! I think it is safe to say that she knows Him better than any of us do right now. I see God’s goodness in that.

His character has never been more real to me. The richness I experience when I spend time with him is intensely sweet. He has been exceedingly gentle with me in my suffering. I have never felt his presence so tangibly. I don’t doubt His goodness. I don’t doubt that His plan for my life is good, but I still have to speak truth and fight the lies that are so easy to believe.

 I have spent the last month really digging in deep to Hannah’s psalm of praise in 1 Samuel 2. The entire book is rich with the character of God, but her Psalm is what I’m leaning on today. It has become my prayer.

Hannah's Prayer

2 And Hannah prayed and said,

“My heart exults in the Lord;

    my horn is exalted in the Lord.

My mouth derides my enemies,

    because I rejoice in your salvation.

2 “There is none holy like the Lord:

    for there is none besides you;

    there is no rock like our God.

3 Talk no more so very proudly,

    let not arrogance come from your mouth;

for the Lord is a God of knowledge,

    and by him actions are weighed.

4 The bows of the mighty are broken,

    but the feeble bind on strength.

5 Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread,

    but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger.

The barren has borne seven,

    but she who has many children is forlorn.

6 The Lord kills and brings to life;

    he brings down to Sheol and raises up.

7 The Lord makes poor and makes rich;

    he brings low and he exalts.

8 He raises up the poor from the dust;

    he lifts the needy from the ash heap

to make them sit with princes

    and inherit a seat of honor.

For the pillars of the earth are the Lord's,

    and on them he has set the world.

9 “He will guard the feet of his faithful ones,

    but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness,

    for not by might shall a man prevail.

10 The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces;

    against them he will thunder in heaven.

The Lord will judge the ends of the earth;

    he will give strength to his king

    and exalt the horn of his anointed.”

  She pours out her heart to God. She isn’t calculated and perfect, she is honest and raw. Her psalm is full of truths, and she is declaring her devout devotion to God. There is thanksgiving for answering her heart’s prayer, while painfully placing that answered prayer back at His feet. His faithfulness in her past assured her of His continuing faithfulness. Hannah trusted the Lord to help her keep her vow.

  There was grace for her in the midst of her suffering. She chooses to worship through her anguish. She chooses to declare the power and sovereignty of God, while prophetically praying for the coming King-who she just weaned. Hannah is not wallowing in her pain, focusing on herself, her suffering or her empty arms. She is focused on who God is. She is able to see him more clearly in her pain. His character is praised. She knows He is good. She starts by calling God Holy, and faithful, all knowing, gracious(ouch), all powerful, sovereign, able to change impossible circumstances. 

 What if He doesn’t change those impossible circumstances like you want Him to? I begged for Sophia’s life. My situation did not change, but I certainly did.

 Does that sound like someone you can trust? Do you trust him? You can. Hannah inspires me to choose to worship the God who walks with and speaks to His people, in the midst of their suffering-not just before or after. My prayer is that in the midst of my suffering, I will choose to praise Him and embrace the freedom found in Him. I believe that my circumstances are not simply an open opportunity to call God’s character into question, but an opportunity to let Him continually transform me into someone who bears His image.

 -Lyd

  

Great Expectations

Real talk...I struggle with expectations...probably more than anything else. Expectations are the doorway of many of my sin issues. Expectations, or specifically, expectations that are not being met, are where a lot of the ugliness in me stems from. I looked up the definition just for kicks, and it was a convicting gut punch. I felt like God spoke this little definition  directly to my heart, just to remind me what it is I'm allowing (choosing) to rule me.

ex·pec·ta·tion

ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/

noun

plural noun: expectations

1. a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

   "reality had not lived up to expectations"

   synonyms:

   supposition, assumption, presumption, conjecture, surmise, calculation, prediction, hopeMore

   • a belief that someone will or should achieve something.

     "students had high expectations for their future"

     synonyms:

     supposition, assumption, presumption, conjecture, surmise, calculation,  prediction,hope "her expectations were unrealistic"  (<----Coincidence? I think not...)

   • archaic

     one's prospects of inheritance.  (Ouch...gut punch)

   
   

   
   
2. Alrighty...so, that was convicting for me. I could write a book on all my expectations, and why I have them, but the truth is they all have one thing in common, and that is my pride. Here are some of my most prevailing expectations, that wreak havoc on my life when they aren't met:

My children's behavior: 

I expect them to obey. 

I expect them to be responsible (within reason).

I expect them to not make the same mistakes over and over again.

I expect to see progress and improvements in areas where I have invested so much of my own time and energy (identity-ouch).

My marriage:

I expect my husband to read my mind and for us to communicate with ease.

I expect my husband to learn patterns in our relationship and react accordingly.

I expect my husband to do things the way I would do them in any given situation.

I expect my husband to be the man I think he should be or the man I see other men being in any given situation.

I expect my husband to lead my family the way I imagine him leading us.
I essentially expect him to not be who God created him to be. Uhg. Ouch.

For myself:

I expect myself to respond to my husband and my children with sacrificial love and patience.

I expect myself to perform to my own high standards every moment of every day.

I expect myself to be the wife I imagined I would be and was told I "should be".

I expect myself to live a perfectly balanced lifestyle of service to family and church body, my community, self care, maintaining friendships and developing new ones, taking time to read and do my devotions, plan and cook healthy meals, whatever...the expectations sometimes become more as the day goes on. There is always room for improvement, and I seem to be the first to notice and the first to be frustrated when that "improvement" isn't accomplished. 

I won't even get into expectations of friends and family, my church family, husband's employer, etc. The list could go on forever.

There are two main root issues that I can always trace these expectations back to. Pride and control. Those are two pretty ugly words. They tell me I have put my identity in things other than Jesus and that I don't trust Him. They show themselves in my responses to experiencing disappointment. If I were to take those two ugly factors out of any life equation, my responses would be drastically different. What if I could replace them with grace and humility? What would that do to the climate of my home? My marriage? My relationship and responses to my children? How much more of an impact would I make for the kingdom of God, if I could just leave behind the kingdom of Lydia? 

That is what I'm working on right now. My responses lately have been out of pride, anger and control. I'm asking God to help me be more aware of the condition of my heart, so I can see where I need to choose new expectations. I'm asking him to replace the ugly manifestations of sin within me, with His character.

My great expectations should be love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Life Changes

I know I'm really behind in documenting what has been going on with our family. A lot has happened, and honestly, it's been pretty hard to process it, much less talk about it and share it with the world. I'm going to give a few little(ha) updates and over the next few weeks I will start to dive back into a routine of writing about what the Lord has been teaching me. I'm still processing it all, so it will be raw, but isn't that where the most growth takes place? Vulnerability and total surrender, raw emotions and feelings, and preaching truth to myself. That's where I am at.

Here is the quick run down of some of the major changes we made this year.

Carlos and I went on vacation(alone-hallelujah) right after Jakob went to live with his dad, and came back refreshed and ready to start our "new normal". There was a lot of adjustment for all of us. I think it took me several months to go anywhere and not feel like we'd left someone behind. The kids were so sad to see Jakob go, but they were happy he could be with his dad and understood the good in that. They knew that being with his dad was the best for him. There were feelings of great loss, hope for his future and excitement for the unknowns of ours as we moved forward. Change was in the air and we knew it was coming for us again, but we didn't know how. We were just restless and had great anticipation for what was ahead. We had no idea what was coming.

Fast forward a few months, and we decide to move closer to Carlos' work. His company was building a new building in McKinney, and we decided to find a house to rent out there, and kick his commute to the curb. We looked for a few weeks, and found a house ten minutes from his new location. The moving out process was exhausting, and difficult, but moving into our new place was really smooth and we are really enjoying having daddy so close to home right now.

A few weeks into being in the new house, I threw up in the garage while leaving for church. That should have given away a big change, but it didn't. Fast forward a few more weeks, and I'm a raging hormonal lunatic, sick all the time and feeling like a different person. I casually take a pregnancy test before I start my next round of thyroid meds(a precautionary measure) and am floored to see it is positive. Somehow, I hadn't caught on to all the NORMAL cues my body had been sending out for weeks. How could I not know? DENIAL-that's how. Seven positive tests, denial. After the seventh test came up positive, I texted my midwife and decided she was worth the drive to walk us through this pregnancy. I honestly was freaking out. I was very much not trying to get pregnant, and there I was, staring at a counter full of positive tests. Jayden had been telling me for weeks I was pregnant and was praying for the BABIES in my tummy every night. We should have taken him seriously. He is always right. More on this pregnancy later...

Carlos has recently been promoted at work and is loving his new position. The kids and I are loving that he no longer has to travel. That is a huge blessing, especially being so far away from our family now and throwing a pregnancy into the picture.

We are attending a new church out here in McKinney and have been making new friends. That process is always hard, and it was a rough start, but we are happy to have made some wonderful friends and found a church community.

The kids are growing like weeds, and changing more and more every day. I can't believe how far we have come in just one year.
  Jayden is keeping us on our toes, as always, and has recently been accepted into a speech therapy program that will start this fall. He is looking forward to starting school and making new friends. He is our social butterfly and is always inviting people over. He loves playing sports and hanging out with older boys. I hope he continues to love on people and grow in his love of hospitality. We enjoy our snuggles, time reading and mommy and Jayden dates. He is verbally loving and always has something sweet to say to me(especially on days he makes me want to lose my mind). We are working on his sensory processing issues, and have made some great strides in that area. We recently learned he is a true ambidextrous, and that has explained so much! We look forward to learning more about that and how to walk with him through things he is struggling with.
  Eliana has completely come out of her shell this year. She decided she would start talking, and hasn't stopped. She is a true diva and performer. She has become more emotional and physically loving, but maintains her tough girl status on the playground and with her brothers. She still runs the ship when it comes to their relationship, while wearing her Elsa costumes and dancing around them. She loves her Target dates with mommy and cooking/doing anything domestic with me. This has been a great growth opportunity for me, as I have yet to master the art of "letting go" and getting out of task mode. She helps me slow down, take things less seriously and enjoy being with her.  I love having her as my right hand, little lady.
  Ian, my sweet, rugged and burly teddy bear. I love that boy. He has been such a joy since he was born and continues to bring great joy. He has started to really show his personality. It is SO fun. He is quite the little joker, and athlete, while still adoring his books and animals. There is not a day that goes by that does not involve dozens of books and animal references. He brings life and laughter to our everyday life and we are so thankful for him.

We are currently looking ahead to the end of our lease and trying to figure out what we want for our family, and where God wants us to put down some roots. We are looking for a home that we can entertain in and some land to expand on, while not being too far from work and family. It's proving to be a difficult task, but we are patiently waiting to see what the Lord has for us.

Now that you are caught up on some of the changes, in the next few posts I will start to get into the craziness and where the Lord has really brought us this year.

The White Flag

A few weeks ago I overheard something that has stuck with me and I can't seem to escape it. I was in a restroom changing one of my babies when I overheard a group of moms talking. Their topic of conversation was something I hear from other moms personally, and a subject I see in blogs, forums, articles, etc. That subject is something along the lines of "mom surrender". Waving their proverbial white mom flag of surrender. I get it. Mom life is hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, no question! There are days that feel like years and things come out of you that you didn't know where inside you, good and bad...but since when is giving up on yourself and your family, even for a day, ok? We've become so aware of our feelings and emotions, that we sometimes let them run all over our lives. I FEEL defeated, so I must BE defeated. That is not what I know to be true.

These moms were going on and on about who accomplished the smallest amount of "mom jobs" that week. "I let my kids eat cereal for lunch every day this week, because I was too tired to make anything!" "I haven't done laundry in weeks.""I just watched movies with my kids all day for the last two days."

I get it. I've had my fair share of days that have been more about survival than anything else. Those days will always be a part of having children. I'm not saying they won't, but how have we come to a place in society that competing for the "worst mom" award is now funny and somehow makes you a more "real", likable or down to earth mom? Everyone can sympathize with a mom going through it, here and there, but we are glamorizing the laziness and the "my give a damn is busted" attitude. Why are we so much more comfortable talking about our failures and encouraging each other in those? If I told one of my true friends that my house was a mess and I was completely falling apart, they would show up with dinner and clean my floors and speak truth over me.

I want moms around me who will be pushing each other towards God, his grace, the sacrificial love He shows us, and that we can show our families. We are capable of great things, through him, and ONLY through him. He is always there, available, but I feel like he is a last resort, not the first one we turn to. That needs to change. We might feel more comfortable going to our mom friends struggling in pursuing excellence, just to commiserate with. It's hard to fight for truth and life in your own home(heart). It can be just as hard to find others doing the same. I hope to always be that friend to someone, and have those kind of friends around me.

There is one thing I grew up that has always stuck with me, and that is showing excellence in everything you do. Not perfectionism and self-reliance, just excellence. My dad would make us do something over and over again, until it was done with excellence. That has never left me. It has taken me places I wouldn't have been able to go if he hadn't laid that strong foundation. My wonderful youth pastor, Cory Wise, would challenge us to leave places better than we found them, finish jobs others left undone, and hold ourselves to standards that complimented our convictions. I don't know about you, but I don't know a lazy Jesus. I don't know a Jesus who half-asses his way through life. I don't know a self-pitying Jesus who laid around and gave up when his disciples were frustrating him. He laid down his life for them, for me. That is the example I am to live and leave for my family. It is something I strive for, not for acclaim, but because I know the one who laid down his life for me. I want the best for my family, and that's not going to happen when I accept anything less than HIS grace being sufficient for my weakness. There is grace and peace in the midst of the chaos, available to you. Are you accepting it or relying on your own strength?

Take down that white mom flag. God has called you to motherhood, and that means every day is a battle. Fight for excellence and show those little people the love of Jesus in your words, actions,  and how you scrub their toilets. Find some moms who will spur you to be more like Jesus and only surrender to Him. If you don't have those friends, be that friend, and ask the Lord to help you change the climate of your friendships.

Choosing Joy

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.
(Psalm 94:19 ESV)

   The cares of my heart have been many. I have felt heaviness, anxiousness, and even despair some days. There are days when my cares seem to overwhelm me and I feel like I can't quite keep my head above these waves of emotions and circumstances.

   Our family has experienced a lot of changes recently. I'm expecting, we moved into a home with Carlos' Abuelo for a few months while he gets on his feet and then moves out. Carlos' job has been rough on him and on us financially. Carlos is also in the process of being interviewed for a new position. We seem to be in a place of transition in most areas of our lives. Change brings a lot of good things and also a lot of hard things. It's uncomfortable, difficult to navigate at times and brings out every selfish bone in my body. It affects who I am as a mother and wife.

   I have really struggled with the new big changes in our life. I'm normally a huge fan of change. I like new adventures and new experiences. Those of you that know me know we have had a lot of dramatic life changes over the course of our marriage. That has never really bothered me to the degree that is has this time. There is one thing I've noticed the third time around and that is simply this-I don't like change while pregnant. I REALLY don't like big changes while pregnant. The nesting/mommy side of me resists it and gets really uncomfortable with my inability to provide stability in the areas I like stability in. I stop trusting God at a time when he has shown himself more than faithful and generous every time. His track record is flawless. Mine is not. I struggle with these things every time. I know in my head that he has provided miraculously before and I remind myself of his goodness constantly. I still struggle to believe His ways are higher than mine when I can't get my eyes off of me. I am so grateful for grace. I am grateful for conviction. I'm asking God to help me show grace to my family as He generously extends it to me.

   God has been gently reminding me that He is the one who provides everything we need. I am not the provider. Carlos is not the provider. We are HIS children. He cares for us. He cares for the little children HE gave us more than I ever could. Why do I still struggle to believe him? Sin.

   Sin is ugly. My heart is ugly and it has shown itself a lot lately. I have been living with a crushed spirit that I chose. I chose to not trust. I chose to live in fear of the unknown. I chose to not put my hope in The Lord and to put it into me and my circumstances.

   Stability or lack thereof(as defined by my narrow minded, situational view) is not something I should let determine the condition of my heart or my level of joy. His consolations are enough. His plans are enough. His provision is enough. He is enough for me! I am choosing life, joy, faith and to turn my eyes to the giver of LIFE. I am asking Him to show me how to live fully in this place and to take my eyes off of myself and worthless things.

A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.
(Proverbs 15:13 ESV)
Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.
(Psalm 119:37 ESV)

In the Middle

There are days when having three kids three and under is a breeze, and days I long for bedtime like the return of Jesus. People make annoying comments about how busy we must be, how we must not know how having back to back kids happens, etc. Sometimes people make comments about how we find the money to diaper, feed, care for them in general. Most of the time the remarks roll off our backs, but sometimes they hurt. There is something about being our age with the amount of kids we have and their ages that most people around us just don't get. This was especially evident when we took in Jakob and had the loneliest year of our lives. We are in between people groups. We are not just married and enjoying being "just married". We are not twenty-five with out first kid on the way. We are not in our thirties with older kids or our forties with teenagers. We are in the middle. That middle place can be lonely sometimes. There aren't a lot of people who can relate, and the few that are, typically don't live the outgoing lifestyle we do. They keep to themselves to survive. The older couples do their thing with people their age and talk about how we will be in their shoes someday. That's great, but it would be nice to have people walk along side us, too.

The middle is a hard place, but the Lord has been teaching me a lot here. He is revealing himself to me in new ways and is speaking life over me when I feel dry as a bone. There is purpose in His plans for our lives. It has taught me how to reach out to moms of all ages and offer support, regardless of their age and amount of children. It has been a stretching and growing season in my life.

This has been my personal prayer in the middle.

Lord, may my loneliness be another place I meet you
It is in this place of dry bones that I look to you to restore my soul
I am empty without you
Satisfy my soul with deep waters
Your love is perfect
Your will is my desire
Hear my cries to you and turn your face to me
May your heart be shown through me
My words be an offering of praise
Restore in me the joy of your salvation

YES Before the Rest

No, that's too hard.
No, that will take too much of my already non-existant time to myself.
No, we don't have the money to give.
No, someone else will do it.
No, I don't have the energy. Can you see all these children you gave me? I can barely get through the day!

Does that sound familiar? I don't know about you, but that is an internal dialog I hear pretty often. That is a pattern of behavior, thoughts and actions that the Lord has convicted me of. Why do I say no? All the reasons above? No. I say no because I'm a sinful, selfish, prideful human being that needs the redemptive and changing grace of Jesus. Our family has experienced a lot of difficulties in the short time we have been a family, and I don't see that changing, ever. There will always be difficulties, hard things the Lord walks us through. There are a lot of excuses we could use to keep out people and opportunities to be used by the Lord to glorify Him. I thought I had some pretty good ones.

Where is Jesus in that?

Jesus is in the hard
Jesus is in every sacrifice
Jesus is in every penny we trust Him with
Jesus is in the sleep deprived, barely hanging on, ugly moments of parenthood
Jesus is in the obedience we are learning
and there is REST for your weary soul in Jesus.

My theme for the past year has been first time obedience. Originally it started when my son was two and learning first time obedience. I had no idea it was really a lesson for me. A hard and ugly lesson in obedience that is immediate, instinctive and continual. It is rough, but it is so full of grace and beauty. I can never find rest in my sinful ways. I am learning so much about who God is and his heart for my family. I am learning to say yes, before the rest. It is HARD. It would be easier not to discipline/be disciplined with love, grace and consistency. Saying yes is more than a reply. It is a lifestyle change, a mind set change and a spiritual change. It is ACTIVE obedience.

I am so thankful for a God who loves us enough to discipline us and redeem us.

Learning to say yes before the rest,

Lyd